It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

16 Apr



While I don’t exactly remember the kick-off of my 22nd year (21st birthday, don’t want to confuse anyone), I can confidently declare that it has been a fantastic year and I am blessed to have made it to another birthday (maybe I shouldn’t speak so soon). I have definitely grown over the past 365 days. I’ve finally become a mature woman who can enjoy one glass of wine and stop at that (this is a joke) and I am well on my way to a wonderful career (this is another joke).

But all joking aside, this was a year about discovering something about me, about my passions. I was lucky enough to have an internship truly different from anything that I would have expected myself to land in. In this position I was able to write, be creative, and learn about a company culture and what it is I want in a job when the time comes. I learned a lot about writing and most importantly writing about myself and my own stories. I learned that I truly love it and I learned that others love to read it.

While I’ve always been a gym rat and a serious foodie (sorry Dad, I know you hate that word and I too am not particularly keen on it), I truly explored new ways to go about both matters this past year. I completed Insanity and learned how far I can actually push myself, and how much I am truly capable of. It is an accomplishment that I can openly be prideful about. As for food, I’ve been experimenting with a lot of different health fads, such as the paleo diet, and have achieved a better balance between being health conscious and being miserable, which most definitely involves enjoying Hope’s cookies on a Sunday night.

In my 21st year I accepted that I don’t know what I want to do, and that there is nothing wrong with that. I’m comfortable with the uncertainty of the future. Why would I bother committing to a grad school or an industry that I’m not sure I love? Hand in hand with this realization was my action of slapping schoolwork stress in the face. Believe it or not I’m sort of thankful that my pitiful CE and history classes lowered my near perfect GPA because, hell, there’s a lot less pressure now that I know ending in perfection is impossible.  Now I’m just taking it day by day and test by test, and ironically enough it’s working out pretty damn well.

I learned how to be a grown up (sort of). With my off-campus apartment and paying bills (once again, sort of [not at all]) I’ve learned how to live on my own and take responsibility. I’ve probably killed enough water bugs to fill up a pint glass and I’ve accidentally set off many a mice trap, without any casualties. I can trim chicken which is something I probably would have sworn I would never do about a year ago. And perhaps most impressive, I can now check my tire pressure.

And perhaps most of all, I now know my worth. I know that I’m smart, and that if an employer doesn’t want me, that’s their problem (thank you fam & friends). I deserve a lot of love, which I currently get from my all of my family and friends, and I know not to settle for any boys or bull-shit.

21 was a hell of a lot of fun and I’m extremely sad to see it go. It’s interesting how birthdays work. There’s so much excitement when you’re young for all the parties and gifts and cake. Then you grow up and you become excited for the same thing, but experience an inexplicable pit, a sort of longing for time to pause, to push your birthday back a little further. But I’m lucky to experience these birthday blues; they just mean that my year was worth living. I wish that 22 brings me as many blessings, happiness, passion, friendship, love, and surprises.



One Response to “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”

  1. Owen Harvey April 17, 2014 at 9:03 am #

    Hi Ciara,

    I can relate a lot to your post in regards to uncertainty, especially with career and academic choices. I struggled with the decision on whether or not to go to medical school for at least two years and I let it gnaw at me; getting in the way of truly enjoying my immediate friends, relationships and at one point, an entire summer! After an appointment with my medical school adviser at UConn a few years ago, I read a quote on an office door that neighbored my adviser’s. It read, “It’s perfectly okay to change your mind once you learn more”. It was the most comforting thing I had read in ages. Ever since then, I accepted the fact that I was never 100% on medical school, which requires 100% commitment and I let it go. Since then I’m thankful for starting a new career as a NP and having the experience of living in different cities ( never thought I would end up in Chicago). Now for the cliche ending…Trust your gut, enjoy the journey and things (as I know them) work themselves out.

    You have a great outlook on life especially as you near graduation and I trust that you will do great. I look forward to more posts.


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